If I knew then…

Dear Future Husband,

Today has been an eye-opening one in that I realize that in my almost 31 years of living, I’ve never been ready. I’ve never been ready for genuine unconditional love, a healthy relationship, dating with purpose, or marriage. I have been manipulative, selfish, and toxic in my past relationships for one major reason…I was so scared that love hurts that I never allowed myself to be healed.

Let me backtrack, growing up wasn’t an easy experience for me. My dad and mother divorced when I was six and he wasn’t around like I felt he should have been. I was sexually abused for 7 years of my life at the hands of two male cousins. And almost every sexual experience I’ve had has come with a lie. So somewhere in life, I decided to take back “control” and I became this shell of a being in trying to protect myself. Today was the first day in life I was simply just tired.

I’m not sad…I’m tired. Tired of not allowing myself to be who I am out of fear of losing someone, tired of settling for “friendships” when in my heart I desire more, and tired of not knowing where I stand in the lives of others. I didn’t make a big scene or send out my usual “I’m not going to talk to you anymore” text messages, I simply prayed for my peace and God’s forgiveness and decided to move forward.

It’s hard trying to love someone when you don’t see how God has loved you. I was reading a book recently and the main character battled with accepting God that seemed to not care about her hurt. I remember sitting in therapy (yes, I am a black woman who believes in therapy) one day and being told to “find God in the dark places”. I closed my eyes and really tried, but it’s hard to see God when you’re envisioning being raped, lied to, or fondled. I’m sorry, I tried but didn’t see Him. And today I still don’t. Now, before you start to think I’m going to say He isn’t real…that’s not where I’m going. I think it’s time that I stop trying to see God in those hurtful places and ask Him to reveal Himself instead.

I’ve yet to be myself with God and I’m sure it’s a process that won’t be glamorous or exciting, but it’s so necessary. It’s time to stop praying the pretty prayers and to be completely vulnerable to Him. There are so many things I’ve stopped asking for because I sincerely just don’t believe He cares….and one of those things is you.

Love,

Ready to move On

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